Pubic Hair Barber Was A Twit

(recent headline in The Nation)

Cheese!

This is one thing I sorely miss here in Malawi. Of course you can get it, but the variety is limited and painfully expensive. Friends at home know how I suffer under the lack of cheese. Some even send me regular emails with descriptions of the cheeses they are eating. Reading these emails elicit an amalgamation of extreme emotions from me, spanning the entire spectrum from orgasmic pleasure to torturous pain.

So here is my plan to remedy this tragedy:

Jean, the current owner of Ntchisi Forest Lodge (ie the lady from whom we have bought our new lodge) has a goat called Heidi. She is the biggest goat I have ever seen in my life. Don’t think Labrador size, think Saint Bernard coupled with buffalo, with a bit of giraffe thrown in for good measure.

Heidi has a very privileged life and is fed daily on bananas, apples (whole – she would frown at being offered a mere core), oats, potato peels and other such goodies, and she has free access to the entire house, from the sofa to the pantry. She is, in short, the Goat Godiva of Malawi. In return she produces five (yes five!) litres of milk a day.

Surprising as these facts may be to you, even more surprising is that this week, a billy goat was spotted near the coast of Lake Malawi that was even bigger than Heidi. Clearly being a family fond of large goats, Jean’s son bought Billy The Giant and is now the owner of the largest goat in the country.

This fortuitous event coincided with Heidi’s ‘time of the month’ (if it’s once a month for goats, I’m not quite sure). One thing is certain, she made her desires known by braying continuously all night and generally running around like a nutter, trying to attract attention to herself.

As you have probably guessed by now, she was well rewarded when she met the Big Guy. And this is where my grand plan comes in, for I have secured myself a few of the future offspring of Goat Godiva and Billy The Giant. Can you imagine any more suitable cheese-making candidates?

I’ve also come across this website, which will complete the Plan, with recipes of all the most necessary cheeses: http://biology.clc.uc.edu/Fankhauser/Cheese/Cheese.html. Soon, my life will be complete.

Life in the slow lane

A new survey was published today, claiming that the pace of life has increased by 10% in the last decade, as measured by how fast people walk in the world's major cities. Copenhagen was only second, making it one of the fastest paced places on the planet. I'm proud to say that Blantyre, Malawi came in last, after all other cities in the world. Yes indeed, life here is in the slow lane.